Because of You
by tinystarkitten
Summary: OhEmJeE! Another songfic by me! To Because of You by Kelly Clarkson. Eiri is plauged by memories of Kitazawa. YukixEirixShu


Yes, I'll admit it. I'm addicted to songfics uu. But they're fun to write! And I'd probably make AMVs, if it weren't for the fact that my computer sucks. But songfics are just better for me anyway, because I'm not limited to already made screenshots. I can make the story whatever I want! BWAHAHAHAHA! Oh, by the way, I added small speech details that happened during Eiri's rape. So don't go telling me "He never said that!" because it's artistic license dammit. Expect frequent changes between the names Yuki and Kitazawa.

Anyway, ON WITH THE FIC!

* * *

"Yuki!" a pink ball of fluffy happiness flung itself at the writer as he stepped in the door. 

"Get off me brat." Eiri grunted, although he didn't do anything to try to get his lover off.

"Sounds like someone's got a case of the Mondays..." Shuichi pointed out.

"It's Tuesday." Eiri replied.

"Really?" Shuichi asked as he started counting his fingers. "Hey! You're right! You're so smart Yuki!" He complimented in a futile attempt to cheer his lover up. Eiri responded by pushing his way through the obtrusive pink... thing... that was Shuichi.

"Yuki? Is something wrong?"

_I will not make the same mistakes that you did_

_I will not let myself_

_Cause my heart so much misery_

"Yuki? Is something wrong?" Eiri asked Kitazawa. It was a rather sunny day in New York, and Yuki had taken Eiri out for ice cream as a special treat. Something was evidently wrong with the older boy, though, as his ice cream was melting all over his hand.

"Hm?" Yuki looked at the younger boy who was looking at him.

"Your ice cream is dripping all over you." Eiri pointed out. Yuki looked at his hand.

"So it is." He replied.

"Well, aren't you going to eat it?" Eiri asked.

"I'm not that hungry." Yuki got up and threw his ice cream into the nearest trash bin. He pulled out some paper napkins from his pocket and wiped off his hand.

_I will not break the way you did,_

_You fell so hard_

Eiri was surprised at how close he had allowed himself to become to Shuichi. In fact, he had never become so close to anyone ever. Well, except Kitazawa. It wasn't something he like thinking about though. Aside from Shuichi's extremely annoying hyper-mood swings, Eiri actually enjoyed spending time with him. The boy was like Kitazawa in so many ways, it made Eiri compare the two many times. But these similarities also caused Eiri to second guess his new relationship, and fall into depressing moods during the most inconvenient of times.

"Yuki, are you sure that nothing's wrong?" Shuichi asked one night while they were snuggling in bed.

_I've learned the hard way_

_To never let it get that far_

"Yuki, are you sure nothing's wrong?" Eiri asked as they sat under the shade of a tree, each reading a book. Yuki looked at him and smiled.

"Shouldn't you be reading?" He asked in a mock-scolding tone. Eiri couldn't help but giggle at it.

He trusted Yuki with his life. He was his best friend, but they were so much closer than that. Eiri felt like he could tell him anything that came across his mind, which was a closeness he had never achieved with anyone in Japan, not even Tohma Seguchi. He loved Kitazawa more than anything, more than anything he ever would.

_Because of you_

_I never stray too far from the sidewalk_

Eiri had become a novelist just for Kitazawa. Maybe that wasn't what he was thinking when he became one, but deep down, he knew that was the real reason. Why else would his pen name be Yuki?

_Because of you_

_I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt_

Eiri was always by Yuki's side for one reason or another. He'd take any excuse to spend the day with his sensei. He just felt more secure around him.

_Because of you_

_I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me_

Eiri knew that he could trust Shuichi with his life if he wanted to, but he just... didn't. He didn't know why, even though he knew that the pink haired lad would do anything for his beloved – hell, the kid even followed him all the way to New York to prove it – Eiri didn't really, totally trust him for some reason. And that was a spot where Shuichi and Yuki differed.

_Because of you_

_I am afraid_

Eiri, of course, had no idea what Yuki was eventually going to do to him back then. And even if he had thought of it, he would never even dream that he would do what ended up doing to Yuki in return.

_I lose my way_

_And it's not too long before you point it out_

"Yuki, you've been acting really spacey lately." Shuichi pointed out one day when he noticed Eiri was sitting on the couch and appeared to be watching TV, but the channel was on a children's show.

"Uhn?" The man grunted in reply. Shuichi put his hands on his hips.

"Look at what you're watching!" He exclaimed, pointing at the TV. Eiri looked at the screen and shrugged his shoulders.

"Oh. I didn't notice." He responded in a deadpan tone, not bothering to change the channel.

"I'll say!" Shuichi shouted, jumping over the couch and into his lover's lap.

_I cannot cry_

_Because you know that's weakness in your eyes_

"Yuki, you've been acting really spacey lately." Eiri pointed out to Kitazawa.

"Hm?" The older boy asked, looking down at Eiri from the spot in the sky he had been looking up at. His previously deadly serious face had now been replaced with a happy smile.

"Well, you were spacing out. You've been doing that a lot." Eiri admitted, looking down.

"Eiri, you have to understand. I have a lot of things on my mind." He said vaguely.

"Oh, of course!" Eiri chirped happily. Yuki smiled down at him before looking back up to the sky.

_I'm forced to fake_

_A smile, a laugh everyday of my life_

Shuichi nuzzled his lover's neck as they cuddled under the covers of their bed. They had been replacing the sex with just cuddling for the past week and, while it was a bit of a relief to the uke, it caused him to wonder if something was wrong with Eiri.

"Yuki. My Yuki. I love you." He whispered as he kissed the man's lips. Eiri gently stroked the boy's ultra-soft hair in return.

"I love you too." He whispered back with a half-hearted smile.

_My heart can't possibly break_

_When it wasn't even whole to start with_

"Yuki, what are you doing?" Eiri asked as he was backed up against a wall. He was afraid, very afraid.

"What? I thought you loved me." Yuki said with an evil smirk.

"Yuki, you're scaring me." Eiri whimpered.

"Good." Kitazawa hissed as he came closer to the frightened boy.

Because of you

_I never stray too far from the sidewalk_

Eiri clung to the Shuichi lying next to him for dear life. His eyes were closed in an attempt to fall asleep, but they saw Kitazawa when they were. So maybe if he held onto his lover, it would bring him to here and now.

_Because of you_

_I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt_

He had tried very hard to become close to Kitazawa, to please him in anyway he could. And if this pleased him, then so be it. But if it didn't make Eiri feel so _horribly_ about it all...

_Because of you_

_I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me_

Eiri had finally fallen into an uneasy sleep, still holding onto Shuichi. But the man had not erased Kitazawa from his mind, and now Eiri was trapped back in that dirty room in New York, facing Yuki again.

_Because of you_

_I am afraid_

"Yuki! No! Please!" Eiri cried out desperately.

I watched you die

_I heard you cry every night in your sleep_

"Yuki! Yuki wake up!" Shuichi shouted. The man opened his eyes and sat up, drenched in a cold sweat. "Shh, shh. It's okay it was just a nightmare." The boy soothed.

_I was so young_

_You should have known better than to lean on me_

The betrayal Eiri felt at that point was more than any man had ever felt before. He stared at the man he had grown to love as Yuki stared back, no remorse or regret showing in his face.

_You never thought of anyone else_

_You just saw your pain_

"You're such a nuisance." Yuki said softly as he watched the boy being abused by the two thugs.

_And now I cry in the middle of the night_

_For the same damn thing  
_

"Shh, it's okay Yuki, it's okay." Shuichi whispered as he held his crying lover in arms, planting a soft kiss on the top of his head.

_Because of you_

_I never stray too far from the sidewalk_

Eiri hugged his pink haired lover again, both of them sitting upright in the bed this time. He allowed himself to be petted by the younger man as he cried in to his shoulder.

"It's okay..." Shuichi said softly.

_Because of you_

_I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt_

A gunshot rang out and suddenly Kitazawa was lying on the ground, dead and bleeding, while Eiri could only stare in shock at what he had done.

_Because of you_

_I try my hardest just to forget everything_

Eiri never wanted to let go of Shuichi, ever. If he did, he might fall back into that time and see a bleeding Kitazawa again.

_Because of you_

_I don't know how to let anyone else in_

The only one young Eiri had ever really trusted was now dead. By his hand. He felt so evil. He vowed never to let himself get that close to anyone ever again from that point on, if this was how they would end up.

_Because of you_

_I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty_

"It's alright Yuki, it's alright." Shuichi said.

"I know." Eiri finally managed to say, even though it was a complete lie.

_Because of you_

_I am afraid _

Eiri knew it wasn't okay because in those last moments of his dream, when he watched himself kill Kitazawa, at the very last second, Yuki had turned to Shuichi, and it was the pink haired singer lying there dead, not Kitazawa.

* * *

Okay, now I'm sure that was confusing because of Kitazawa's name and the constant switching between times. I hope you were able to follow it. 

Yes, I am well aware that Eiri didn't say "Kitazawa-san" once in there thank you very much.


End file.
